November 6th prompt for the challenge - If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I published a post last week about how I tend to see things in black and white and need a little more gray recognition in my life so I’ve sort of already done this prompt. Thankfully, I have enough faults that I can choose another one today. I’ll have to be careful to not become too perfect though; that would be far too boring!
I would love to be able to “put myself out there” more. I grew up with very low self-esteem, thinking that my opinions and feelings weren’t worth much (thanks Mother!). The fact that I was never, by any stretch of the imagination, slim and had no athletic ability just piled on top of parental damage done to my sense of self-worth to make me a very shy person.
I’m okay with people I know very well but, when thrown into a room with people I don’t know, I’ll be the one in the corner trying to fade into the wallpaper or eating my anxiety at the buffet. Over the years, though, I’ve learned that a couple of drinks will loosen me up a bit; at least enough to step out of the corner and talk to the least threatening people in the room. If only I’d had that recourse when I was twelve!
I even have a hard time with people that I know sometimes. I have to suck up the courage to ask acquaintances to get together. What if they say no? The horror! As you can see, the fear of rejection runs deep with me. I’m sure that more people like me that I imagine do; I’d just like the confidence to step up and do more. My social life sucks….. Thankfully, I do have a small circle of friends and family who I know I can always depend on; I would just like to expand that circle a bit.
All of this being said, I am getting a bit better as I get older. I find myself speaking up more when among people that I have become comfortable with and not caring quite as much about the opinions of strangers. At this rate, I may eventually be one of those eighty year olds who speak every cranky thought that comes into their heads because they’ve gotten past caring who they offend. One can only hope!