What to say........

I know that I have been away for a long time and I’m sure that I have no readers left.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?   

I seem to be going through a period of my life where I just don’t know what to say anymore.  I put on a smile and interact with those in my life and those who I know online but sometimes the smile is only skin deep; more than sometimes, if I’m going to be honest.  This isn’t because I don’t like the people in my life and my online friends.  I try not to keep around the people that I don’t like.  I seem to be doing a fine job of bringing myself down these days so I don’t need negative people helping me. 

You’d think that I have nothing to complain about: I have a decent place to live, food on the table, no debts, two smart, funny, healthy kids…….  The problem is that I have hit a point in my life where I’m just not truly happy, satisfied or fulfilled.   

I have been at the same job for almost nineteen years.  It is (obviously) steady and the pay is decent but there is no challenge anymore.  I’ve stopped growing and don’t see much growth potential in the near future.  It doesn’t help that we’ve hit a bit of a quiet period so that I don’t have enough work to fill my days.  This gives me FAR too much time to think about how bored and unfulfilled I am.  The thought of jumping ship into the unknown is daunting…….no, make that terrifying.  Will it work out or not?  Will I still have a paycheque six months from now?  How would I handle a new boss and co-workers after so long where I am?  Am I too set in my ways and the ways of my current employer?  Have I lost too much of my French (I live in Montreal) in this predominantly English office to be marketable?  The self-doubt and insecurity are suffocating me into immobility. 

I am also so very lonely.  I have taken a bit of a sabbatical from the dating scene because I was just getting so tired of one disappointment after another.  The majority of men that I have met over the years have not been interested in actually dating with the prospect of a real relationship on the horizon.  They only want “hook-ups” with no actual commitment.  We’re not talking about twenty-year olds here; we’re talking about men in their forties!  Ugh…….   I am SO over that!  There were a couple of good prospects not so long ago but one had to move back to Scotland for family reasons and the other wanted to make babies.  Sorry buddy, this factory has been closed for a while!   I know that I'll try the dating scene again but I think that I need to get myself to a better place first.  Maybe that's why I'm not attracting the right people....

I don’t have a very big social circle and I don’t get out much with those friends that I do have because, let’s face it, I’ve become a bit of a homebody.  I’ve let myself go physically and mentally and just can’t seem to make it better so I stay home.  I need to find a way out of this slump; this isn’t healthy physically, mentally, emotionally…… 

That being said, I am trying.  I have been attempting to cut out the processed and fast foods and making more meals from scratch.  My kids have been reaping the benefits of the new recipes that I’ve been testing without too many failures.  My love of chocolate and chips is still alive and well but I’ve been eating more vegetables and ordering out less.  Baby steps people!  Getting healthier is going to be a journey.  I have been trying to get out the door more even if it’s only to go to the mall for a little while.  I even sometimes invite someone to meet me for coffee/tea.  I am trying so hard to come out of my shell of loneliness and self-pity…… 

If anybody is reading this post and actually made it through my pity-party to the end, thank you.  Have you gone through periods like this?  What did you do to pull yourself out? 

Kat